


I wish you meant nothing to me (Nothing at all)

by Lisaguna



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Anorexia, Anorexic Harry Styles, Anxious Harry, Binging, Bulimia, Conflict, Depressed Harry, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Harry Styles Has An Eating Disorder, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, M/M, TriggerWarning, anorexic!harry, louis saves harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27122200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisaguna/pseuds/Lisaguna
Summary: Harry is sick. He wouldn’t say that of course. Not eating, binging, purging, collapsing, restarting the cycle every day isn’t a sickness.So one dares to speak the holy word, the final diagnosis, because that would mean their little routine, all their adjustments to Harry's behaviour would crash and everyone, His mum, his friends his teachers, and Harry himself would have to face the seriousness of the situation, the nitty gritty debilitating details,-long story short, the truth.And no one was ready for that, especially not Harry.Until Louis came along.OR: Harry is spiralling out of control and Louis loves him all along the long way down
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

Harry started his day like he usually did. Get up, use the bathroom, strip down, step on the scale. 125.0. His heart dropped. He was half a pound heavier than yesterday. Half a pound! He stepped off the scale and instantly turned to the mirror. Yeah his stomach stood out more than yesterday, the hipbones were less visible and if he put his fingers around his biceps, he could bring them together a little less easier than usual. In a sudden burst of anger, the boy buried his hands in his hair and pulled angrily, while kicking the scale in front of him. With a loud 'bang' it crashed into the cabinet. "Harry are you okay?". It was his mum calling from her bedroom down the hall. "Yeah just dropped something!" The lie slid easily from his mouth, as he put the stupid scale back under the sink and started brushing his teeth. Half a pound he thought, how can I make up for that? He came to the conclusion that he would have to fast for all of today, drinking as little water as possible, and set himself a 300 calorie limit for the rest of the week. Maybe I'll try this other diet as well, this military thing , was his last though before he left the bathroom. 

You see the thing is, Harry really didn't need to go on a diet. He was skinny, underweight even (although he wouldn't use that word to describe himself, EVER), his skin was grey and blemished and his eyes were dull and lined with purple veins, giving away the fact that the boy hasn't slept properly in ages. You could clearly see that there was something wrong with him, something a little more serious than just stress ("Niall I'm fine seriously, I'm just stressed from school and stuff") or work ("Yeah they're always giving me the early shifts, I'm knackered Liam")— however Harry had been finding excuses and telling lies for three years straight now, so everyone just kind of got used to it. Of course his two friends would ask him if he needed someone to talk to, or if he wanted to see the school counsellor on a regular basis. They also offered to buy him lunch when he showed up without one once again, or held him tight when he started crying out of nowhere, but all Harry ever did was decline, refuse, and pushing them away. So they went on with their day to day lives, and got used to their friend looking like death. 

Harry on the other hand wasn't done yet. There was more weight to be lost, more food to be excluded from his meal plans and more bones to be poking out of his milky skin.  
If you couldn't have told by everything you heard so far- Harry is ill.   
But no one dared to speak the holy word, the final diagnosis, because that would mean their little routine, all their adjustments to Harry's behaviour would crash and everyone, His mum, his friends his teachers, and Harry himself would have to face the seriousness of the situation, the nitty gritty debilitating details,-long story short, the truth.   
And no one was ready for that, especially not Harry.


	2. Chapter 2

"Mum where are my jeans?" Harry screamed on top of his lungs. The walls were thick, and his mum probably went back to sleep. "I put them in the wash darling, you've been wearing them for weeks."   
No. Harry thought. It was the only pair of Jeans he could wear, he didn't have anything else, besides joggers. Again, it was not like he didn't have any other clothes, it was just that this particular pair of jeans was baggy enough for him wear outside. Because Harry only wore baggy clothing.   
"Sorry darling, Im sure they'll be dry by tomorrow!" his mum called.   
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. It was 10 past seven, Liam would be here in 5 minutes and Harry still had to pack his bag and get dressed. You could wear your new pair of jeans you know, the small voice in the back of his head suggested. Yeah but they are more tight than the other ones. Everyone will see my thighs.. Letting anyone see his enormous thighs was something so terrifying, Harry didn't even spend a second considering it. Put on your blue jumper then. It covers your entire thigh.   
Harry heard a car pull up outside his house. A little while later he looked in the mirror one last time. He was right, the jumper did cover all the huge parts of him. And if he wore his Chelsea boots, it didn't even look too bad. Slightly calmer, Harry grabbed his Bag, waved at his mum, who was coming out of the bathroom and left the house.  
Liam's car smelled like weed and some weird air freshener, as Harry opened the door and slid in the back seat. "Oi mate, I like your outfit!" was the first thing Niall said, to him. Harry cracked his first smile of the day. "Thank you love" "Although the jumper makes you look awfully skinny H. Have you lost more weight?" Liam looked at Harry through the rear view mirror, but Harry just shrugged it off and turned back to Niall. "You fancy a stop at Maccies? I really need some coffee". The blonde boy beamed, of course he did. McDonalds was the boys Number 1 hangout spot , since it was basically next to their school. Liam just sighed and started the car. "Maccies it is then." Though the only thing Harry could think about was Liam's words.   
'Awfully skinny' how sweet did that sound? 

About an hour later, the three boys sat in class. They had most of their courses together, except for Biology which was Liam's thing, and Psychology , which only Harry had picked. Right now however they sat through English. Harry had tried to pay attention in the first half of the lesson, but he found himself daydreaming about food, his body and weight loss every 5 minutes so he decided to stop listening to his teacher. The inability to focus was something that annoyed the frail boy, since his grades were suffering quite a bit, but what were his options anyways? Eating more just so he could focus on his schoolwork? Yeah sure.   
Finally the bell rang and he went up to the study hall with Liam and Niall. They had two free periods now, then lunch and only one more lesson after that. Sixth form was pretty good so far.   
"I'm gonna get a snack, you guys want something?" Liam asked, pointing to the small kiosk in the corner. Harry though about getting some fruit for a second, he was feeling really dizzy today but then he remembered the number on the scale this morning and declined. "Harry are you sure you're not hungry?" The older boy asked again. "You're allowed to eat 'yknow. We all do it." God why did Liam have to test him like that?! The food looked good, and they had his favourite crisps and he really had a headache and eating would make it go away, but Harry just couldn't, not in public. not in front of his friends. So he just shook his head and pulled out his Psychology textbook to finish his homework. Niall red the room, so he started telling Harry about his weekend and his family, until they ended up talking about an email their headteacher had send. "Consortium, what does that even mean?" Niall ales and took a sip from his water bottle. "I think that's the thing where people from other schools go to different schools to do a course there." Liam explained while finishing the rest of his sandwich. Harry sighed, "Great that means even more people in our classes. As if the teachers weren't struggling enough." "Wait so other students will come to our school?" Niall asked. "Yeah but only for 1 one or two courses, and only if they can't do them at their school. This way they'll have a wider variety of option you know?"   
Niall just nodded, while the Study area slowly filled up with students, since it was now lunch break.  
The three boys always spend lunch outside. They found a couple of benches under a small roof behind the bike shed, this way they could sit outside all year long, even when it was raining. Harry felt a little sick, but that was nothing new. He pulled out his cigarettes and light one of them, always offering to Liam and Niall, but they usually declined. Harry hated the smell of cigarettes, not to mention the horrible taste but he read that they helped you losing weight and suppressed your appetite, so of course he had to smoke. There was no other option right.?   
"We just got another email, those consortium students are coming today, for Business, Film studies and Psychology" Niall read from his phone and then put it back in his pocket. "So that means we're gonna meet new people right?"  
Harry visibly tensed up and immediately started bouncing his leg up and down. He hates meeting new people. He didn't want strangers in his favourite class, he didn't want to talk to them or work with them or be judged by them, he didn't want any of that.  
"Harry it's gonna be fine, I promise! I'm sure they didn't invite many people over, your class is almost full" Liam tried to call him down, Harry knew that but at the moment it just made him angry. "Fuck Liam, how would you know? Would you stop lying for once, you don't know how it's gonna turn out. They're gonna hate me!"  
Liam and Niall looked at each other, it wasn't unusual for Harry to snap at one of them. I'm fact, it happened all the time now. They knew Harry didn't mean it, but it was hard to not let the boys words get to them sometimes. "Alright then" Liam said quietly and started packing up his things. Niall and Harry did they same, and on their way back into school Harry apologised like he always did and Liam said it was fine, like he always did, and all of them went to class like they always did. Except nothing was fine. Nothing at all.


	3. Chapter 3

It took Harry less than a minute to spot the two strangers sitting in the psychology classroom. The guys from the other school. Ok was quite tall and slim, had dark hair and olive skin, Harry could only dream about looking like him. That guy was attractive, he looked like he had his life together. Not like pale pudgy Harry. The second guy was a bit shorter and very tan, considering it was only March. He wore a short sleeved T-shirt, also something Harry would never be able to do, on the one hand because he was freezing all.the.time, on the other hand because he didn't like to show of his arms. Of course. All in all, Harry felt intimidated and very, very anxious.  
He hurried to get to his seat before his teacher would see him. It's not like Harry didn't like his teacher, but Mr. Browne was one of those people who could read others like a book, and Harry didn't want to be read. Not by him at least 

"Okay listen up everyone. We have two new students, they will only be attending this class at our school, so you'll only see them Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Zaun, Louis, I hope you'll have a great time".The new boys nodded and thanked Mr. Brownie quietly. "Good. Since it's spring break soon, we should talk about in which direction we're going after your 2 weeks off. We have a few options though. I have some material prepared for 'Memory', 'Psychopathology' or, one of the more requested topics:'mental illness' like depression, schizophrenia or eating disorders"  
Harry froze in his seat. Eating Disorders. What the fuck? But you don't have it Harry. You don't have one. Harry told himself. He couldn't even speak the words. He didn't have one. He was too fat to have one. Still, he felt like the whole class was staring at him.   
Mr. Browne wrote all the options down on the board and took the votes of the class. Some people put up their hands for memory, only two of the girls voted for psychopathology. Of course, was lusting for the dirty details in depression, suicide, anorexia, and finally satisfy their need to get away from their own pathetic lives. "Mental Illness it is then", Mr.Browne circled the result and started to set up his laptop.   
"Please open your books at page 235"

The lesson went by fast , still Harry was relieved when the bell rang. "Just a second," their teacher called before everyone got up. "You're gonna be working in groups over the next weeks, please pick the person you're sitting next to and I'll assign the topics tomorrow." No one was sitting next to Harry. Slowly he made his way up to the teachers desk, but before he could say anything Mr. Browns already knew what Harry tried to tell him. "I'm sure you'll find someone to work with Harry. Well have a look tomorrow okay?". The pale boy was about to nod and say goodbye, as the tan guy spoke up. "He can work with us! If you want to of course". Harry's heart dropped and his eyes widened,but Mr. Browne just smiled. "Amazing Louis, thank you. I'm sure Harry would love to do that." Harry actually wouldn't love to. He's hate it and Mr. Browne knew. "You can do it kid, It'll do you good" the teacher whispered to Harry, before he left the room.   
And there the three of them stood. If the tan one was Louis, than the dark haired boy must be Zayn. The Zayn in question however just scoffed and left the room as well.   
"Don't mind him, he's just not great with new people." Louis smiled kindly. Harry was just able to nod, before he muttered a 'goodbye' and tried to leave as well. "Wait!" Louis called. "It's Harry right?"  
Harry, unable to say anything just nodded. "Hi, I'm Louis" the smaller boy beamed. 

It was the next day. Harry had lost half the pound and more. The morning had consisted of BMI calculations and meal planning. Meal, as in one soup for dinner or two apples for breakfast lunch and tea. But yeah, meals. Still, he was sad today, although he couldn't exactly pin down the reason why. Right now he was sat outside with Liam and Niall, sipping black coffee with tons of sweetener and planning to eat some of his apple in a bit. "Harry your hand are shaking, what's wrong?" Liam asked as Harry set down his cup on the bench. The curly haired boy looked at his hands, with the blue tinted nails and found them actually shaking, He hadn't noticed before, so he just shrugged. "Probably the coffee, it's my third one today" That would explain why your heart is beating funny. "But coffee shouldn't make you shake like that. Did you eat anything today?" Liam sounded seriously concerned, and Harry knew he wouldn't let it go, but tell him about all the bad things coffee and not eating did to you, so he decided to lie. "Yeah, of course.", but it sounded untruthful and Harry knew that. "Harry love, coffee isn't food", Niall said. And although it was supposed to be a happy day, he lost weight for gods sake!, tears started rolling down Harry's face. "I-I'm sorry I was just stressed and didn't have time, and mum didn't s-shop anyways, also Mr.Browne is being an absolute arse!" the excuses kept on coming, and Liam and Niall hugged their frail friend, careful not to break him.   
"I-I did bring lunch though" harry sniffed and Liam cracked a big smile. "Thank you Haz"  
And so they sat next to each other, smoking, sipping coffee and sharing some Apple.

As soon as Harry entered the class he saw Louis and Zayn talking to each other. They nope sat in the back row, next to Harry's seat. "Oh hi!" Louis greeted, as soon as he spotted the younger one. "We figured since we're partners we should sit together. Also didn't want to do front row, we do way to much shit during lessons, right Zayn?" Zayn just grunted and got back to whatever he was doing. Harry smiled and nodded, then sat down. His spine painfully hit the back of the chair, but he was used to it. It was happening for three years now anyways. After some talk about the group work, Mr.Browne put up a powerpoint with all the possible options. They got through it rather quickly and Harry didn't really pay attention until they reached the Eating Disorder slide. "Again, Just a quick overview, whoever is doing it, is focusing on the three main types of eating disorders. anorexia-" He put on a slide with a stock photo of some girl eating a single pea, How pathetic Harry thought to himself, "Bulimia-" again a stock photo of a girl hanging over a toilet- (Harry knew this all to well) "and binge eating". A picture of an overweight person, eating all kinds of food came up. 

"Hey that looks like Harry!"  
The class erupted in laughter. And Harry felt like he was gonna throw up. Fuzziness filled his head and ears, while he tried to process what had just happened. No one had picked on him since year 6, when it happened...  
Very suddenly he felt the need to leave. He had to get out, he needed air, if he didn't leave this room now he was going to collapse. So took his bag and stormed out. 

Louis Tomlinson watched und horror as Harry ran out of the classroom. Who'd think it was funny to say something so mean, especially when it was so incredibly untrue. Harry was skinny as a twig, he came nowhere near that picture of the man.  
The teacher finally got the class to calm down. "Okay whoever said that, is going to get in serious trouble. We have a strict anti-bullying policy. Ehm..Louis, could you possibly check on Harry?" "Me?" the Doncaster asked confused. He hardly knew Harry, but the teacher didn't seem to talk to anyone else, so he just got up and went after the younger boy.


	4. Chapter 4

Louis was trying to figure out where Harry could've went. He had already checked the toilets, figuring that's where he would go if he was upset, but Harry was nowhere to be seen. After wandering around for a while he ended up by some kind of shed, and was just about to turn back, as he heard gagging and a retching sound. "Hello?" he called out and started walking towards the shed. As he turned the corner, he saw someone hunched over, puking their guts out. That someone was Harry. He had taken off his Jumper and was now shivering in a black long sleeved tee and skinny jeans. Only they were baggy on him. But Louis decided to focus on the fact that Harry was throwing up and made his way over to the lad.  
"Shit are you alright?" He didn't know whether to touch Harry or pat his back or just leave, so he just stood next to him, while Harry was dry heaving. Finally he stood up and leaned against the wall next to him. His face was white as paper and he appeared sweaty and shaky. "C-could you hand me my bag maybe?" he croaked and pointed at his book bag that was sitting on one of the benches. Louis hurried and brought it to Harry, although it seemed way too big and heavy in the pale guys hands.  
Harry took out a bottle of water and had a few sips, before sitting down. "Thanks" he mumbled and gave Louis a tiny smile. "Um, we'll Mr.Browne told me to go look for you so..Yeah I found you now..That's good." 

Why did Louis suddenly feel so nervous talking to Harry? Of course because the younger boy was absolutely gorgeous but that usually didn't throw Louis of the rails. For a while they just sat next to each other, until Harry pulled out a packet of cigarettes. "D'you want one?" Louis looked up in surprise , he wouldn’t have though of Harry as a smoker, but happily accepted the offer. 

Both boys relaxed after a few drags, and Harry chuckled. "Sorry you had to see that, I don't know what happened ." Louis just shook his head, "No problem mate. I'm sorry they did that, it wasn't fair. And so stupid, God. I mean look at you, a gust of wind could break you in half!". Harry chuckled "Thank you, but I'll have to disagree. But thanks"  
Louis didn't answer, they just finished their smoke and sat in silence, until the lunch bell rang. "So where are you going for lunch?" the Doncaster finally asked, when two guys came round the corner, laughing but stopping abruptly when they saw Louis and Harry. 

"Hey mate, who are you?" Niall asked and sat down. "I'm Louis Hi", Louis felt like he should leave, especially since one of the guys critically eyed him and Harry. "He's doing consortium in my psychology class, we're partners for a project", Harry explained and motioned for the big guy to come sit next to him. "This is Liam and Niall, my friends" he introduced Louis. But before Louis could say anything else, Liam shrieked. "EW there's puke all over the floor!" Harry and Louis exchanged a quick glance, then Harry suddenly burst into laughter. Louis liked his laugh, it was melodic and gave Harry's Aura some colour. "S-sorry Liam, that was me" he laughed, and giggled even more when he saw Liam's face. "H, that's not funny! Did you do it on-" Harry's face fell instantly. "No. It was an accident Liam, please stop"  
Louis didn't quite understand, but he was too scared to ask, since he just met everyone. "I should probably find Zayn" he said while getting up. "It was nice meeting you guys, and I'll see you Friday Harry." He have they a short wave and disappeared.  
Niall shook his head, "weird lad." Harry just shrugged "I think he's nice. Need a smoke?" Niall nodded and they passed lighters and cigarettes.  
"Harry I'm sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I know you stopped, I'm- I don't know"  
Harry shook his head "No really it's fine. But it was an accident , I swear" Liam nodded and unpacked his lunch, before beginning to talk about Biology.  
And Harry just smiled to himself, because Louis hasn't seen the finger down his throat and Liam believed his lies like he always did.


	5. Chapter 5

"Harry! Harry look over here, that's you!" Someone was pointing at a skeleton, That's not me- Harry tried to say, but instead he threw up, all over the floor and on everyone's shoes. Only he threw up what looked like blue paint, and the skeleton had now turned into a morbidly obese man. He stumbled out the door and suddenly found himself in the middle of the woods.No Harry thought, No that doesn't make sense, I was at school a minute ago I-  
The blaring alarm ended his dream. He sat up in bed and pushed some stray curls out of his face. "What a freaky dream" he thought, until he got up and slowly started to forget what the dream was about, he was too occupied with the scale anyways. 123 pounds today. Harry's heart was beating funny again but he chose it ignore it. Instead he got dressed (his usual jeans were dry, thank god) and went downstairs to the kitchen. "Oh hi mum. Why are you up?" he asked , surprised because Anne usually stayed in bed until after Liam picked him up. His mum turned around and pointed at a pot that was sitting in the stove. "I'm making breakfast for us, you have been looking too pale lately darling". Harry gulped and slowly sat down at the table. "Um yeah, I've been feeling a little under the weather, it's probably a cold or something. But seriously Mum you don't have to cook breakfast for me"  
What did she think she was doing? For years she had accepted that Harry stopped eating breakfast and now she started trying? Harry didn't want breakfast. Ever. "I decided you need something in your system before going to school, how are you gonna focus if you have your first meal at lunch? Here, have some Oatmeal." She put, what seemed like a pound of food in front of Harry, slathered in Honey and bananas. He didn't do carbs, he didn't do bananas and he absolutely hated empty calorie foods like honey.  
"Mum thank you but-" "No 'buts' Harry. Eat."

Her voice trembled ever so slightly, her eyes however were fixed on her son and the plate in front of him. She wasn't stupid, she saw how pale he had become and how dull his eyes looked, she knew he had lost weight over the past years and appeared to get thinner and thinner, but she wasn't willing to accept the fact that her son was ill, just yet. Because that would mean she failed as a mother? Because it would force them to talk about what had happened 5 years ago? Nobody knew.

Harry on the other hand was terrified. Did she know? Did she hear him purge? Did she notice the empty wrappers in his room after his last binge? (He didn't binge and purge often, only from time to time when he couldn't handle the hunger anymore). Careful not to raise any suspicion, he took his spoon and slowly began to eat the bananas, since he figured sugar was still better that carbs. After a few minutes (Harry already felt like he was going to explode) Anne started eating her meal as well. "See? We can do this, we can be a normal family, having breakfast together right? Everything is fine". Harry just nodded and kept on eating until he finally heard a car pull up.   
Quick as lightning he jumped up, put his half eaten plate in the sink and said goodbye to his mum. Everything was better than staying in that kitchen for one second longer than necessary. Still slightly dizzy but uncomfortably full he got in Liam's car. "You alright?" Niall asked, and although Harry was really not, he nodded and gave him a little smile. "Just mum being weird. How about you, did you guys sleep well?" The boys nodded and Liam started talking about what to do after school today. The boys usually met up after they've had their last period and did something fun, like going out to eat (so much fun for Harry!) meeting at one of their houses or going to the movies. "How about bowling today?" Niall asked and showed Harry a picture on his phone. "A new place opened up in town last week" .The picture looked nice, so Harry nodded, and when Liam agreed as well Niall booked a spot online.   
The school day went by pretty fast, they worked on their english essays, spend lunch outside as usual and believed that Harry had just cried when he came back from the toilets with bloodshot eyes and a runny nose. The purged breakfast that went down the drain would've proved them wrong, but let's not talk about that.  
After they've arrived at the bowling alley and put on their shoes, they settled down in one of the booths. It was relatively empty, probably because it was only four o'clock but the boys didn't mind.   
Liam was just about to type in their names in the computer thingy, as someone called out Harry's name. "Hey Harry, over here!" All three boys turned around, just to see a brown haired boy standing text to the bar, waving at them. "Hi Louis!" Niall called putting and waved back. Harry stayed silent. What was Louis doing here? But he didn't have much time to think, because the boy in question was on his way over. "Hi mate you alright?" Liam asked as Louis sat down next to them. "Yeah thanks! I didn't know you guys played bowling, how cool is that! My parents own the place, thank you for coming by the way, we just opened up and desperately need new customers. Well anyways I hope you enjoy it was good seeing you, and especially you Harry, I'll see you in class!".  
He's rambling, how cute is that Harry thought and smiled softly, while Louis awkwardly got up. 

While Harry thought it was cute, Louis mentally cursed himself for being so incredibly awkward. Why the fuck did he say all that stuff?! Especially you Harry, WHY would he say that? Harry was probably so turned off right now. Why did Louis even care about what Harry thought! Ugh. "O-okay I better go now. Have fun!" He turned around and was just about to leave, as a deep voice spoke up. "Stay."

Liam and Niall stared at Harry in disbelief. Not because they didn't like Louis, but because Harry just spoke up, and asked a stranger to join them. Harry couldn't even believe it himself. He hadn't done something like that in ages. "What?" Louis asked, unsure of what to do. Harry's cheeks instantly flushed bright red and his heart sped up. "I-I mean if y-you want to stay, a-and have a game or two, you could. I m- mean we'd like that. Right?"  
Liam and Niall quickly nodded and Niall patted the seat next to him. "Come on stranger, you seem nice."  
All of them laughed, and Louis sat back down, beaming at Harry. "Thanks guys! It's so weird not knowing anyone at your school, I always feel out of place when I'm there. Especially at lunch"  
"Oh you can just sit with us if you like! We always stay behind that shed" Liam offered and Louis accepted, happily, while they started playing and chatting.  
Louis told them about he only moved here about a year ago, and his only friend was Zayn, but Zayn didn't like going out, so he basically only saw him at school. Niall told him about how he, Liam and Harry has been friends since kindergarden and told some fun stories from the past years.  
Harry was chewing his nails, but he seemed to be relaxing more and more. Louis was really really nice, and remarkably funny. Harry liked guys with a good sense of humour. Not of mention the fact that the Doncaster was really fucking fit, but Harry didn't allow himself these kind of thoughts. (As if he ever had a chance with a guy like him. Louis probably didn't even like boys).  
Everything went well, Harry only felt less dizzy when he got up and even scored a strike, until Louis mentioned food. "So can I get you any snacks? It'll be on the house". Harry visibly tensed up, which Louis noticed but he didn't want to say anything. "Do you have chips maybe?" Niall asked and Louis nodded. "Sure! How about I'll get some chips and a few drinks , that okay?" Liam and Niall nodded, Harry only stared at his shoes. "Harry?" Louis asked carefully. The curly head shot up and Harry panicked for a second. He didn't want Louis to think he was weird for not eating , but if he agreed to chips, Louis would probably think of him as greedy and food obsessed. So he shook his head. "Not for me thanks, I'm not really hungry." Liam gave him a stern look. "I thought your mum had a talk with you?"   
That's why she made you breakfast this morning. Of course, Liam must've talked to her, like he always did.  
"No Liam, actually she didn't." Harry replied, feeling anger rise in him. Who did Liam think he was, talking to his mother about Harry's eating. God he couldn't stand him sometimes. "Now if you excuse me, I'll go to the bathroom, Or did you need to ask my mum if I'm allowed to do so?"  
Not giving Liam the chance to answer, Harry ran off. Liam sighed and looked at Louis apologetically "Sorry about that. It's just-Harry is a bit picky when it comes to food and sometimes he just snaps. He'll be fine in a minute." "Oh okay. Well I'll get the food then" Louis answered and went off to the kitchen.   
What did Liam mean by 'picky' ?


	6. Chapter 6

Just as Liam had said, Harry was back a few minutes later, being a lot calmer and quietly apologising to Liam. As Louis brought out the food, Harry ignored it and kept on playing.   
After about an hour they all were in a good mood although Liam had won and kept on rubbing it in their faces. "You know Harry, I had double your score!" "Oh shut up you fucker! I was doing great until Niall dropped the Ball on my foot!"   
The blonde boy gasped "It hardly even hit your shoe!" They couldn't stop laughing. Harry felt good for the first time since..he didn't even know since when but it had been a long time. And as his gaze fell on Louis, who was wiping a tear from  
his ocean blue eyes, his heart sped up some more and he felt a funny feeling in his tummy. And it definitely wasn't hunger.  
"So.."Liam asked as they had all calmed down a little. "Does anyone want to hang at my place after this? We could order pizza or something and watch that new superhero film"   
Niall instantly agreed and Louis nodded happily, seizing the opportunity to make new friends. Harry on the other hand was hesitant to agree. He didn't like disrupting his evening routine, especially when he had planned his dinner already. (which was every day really). Liam noticed his friends struggle. "You don't have to eat pizza if your don't want to Haz. I think I have one of your weird soups left, you know the one you always have for dinner yeah?"   
The 'weird soup' was the lowest calorie meal Harry could find at the supermarket, therefore he quickly made it his everyday dinner. It wasn't really good, Harry didn't like the taste of the broth or the dried vegetables, but he got used to it eventually.  
So Harry agreed and didn't miss the big smile Louis gave him.  
The first thing Harry noticed as he got in the backseat next to Louis, was the warmth the older boy radiated. It was almost like they were sat next to a radiator. "You're hot" Harry mumbled, before his eyes went wide and he realised what he just said. "I-I mean you're warm! Like an oven. N-not attractive"  
Shut up Harry. Shut up, shut up shut up!  
"I-I mean of course you're attractive as well. I guess. I-I mean you're good looking you know just like any guy. Not that you're just any guy, I mean-"  
"Harry it's okay, I get it" Louis interrupted the rambling. "Sorry" Harrys could feel his cheeks burning up, but Louis was smiling at him, which calmed him down significantly. Smiling meant he wasn't mad.  
"I'm hot all the time, indoors outdoors, whether I'm wearing a Tee or a jumper. Dunno why though"   
"I wish I was you. I'm always cold, look at my hands" Harry laughed and held them up for Louis to see his blue nails and icy hands. What he didn't expect was Louis grabbing them. "God Harry, poor you! Here let me help!". He put his warm soft hands, around Harry's cold ones and started rubbing them together to create some more heat.

Louis what are you doing? Stop holding the poor boys hands he's probably freaked out! Louis really wanted to listen to his thoughts, but the feeling of Harry's hands in his own was just too good to let go. He quickly glanced over to the curly haired boy, just to see a soft smile on his lips. "Thank you!" he said with his deep voice, and tingled exploded all over Louis body.   
He let go of Harry's hands immediately. What had just happened? He couldn't have feelings for Harry he couldn't just get all tingly as soon as he looked into his green eyes, what the fuck?   
Louis stop it! You cannot fall for another boy, remember? You said you were gonna focus on girls, GIRLS with long blonde hair and...blue eyes and very high pitched voices and vaginas. Boys mess you up!  
A hint of confusion flickered though Harry's green eyes, as Louis let go, but Louis just couldn't allow himself to feel those tingles again, no matter how badly he wanted to. "Uhm, sorry." he muttered. "No, no it's fine!" Harry quickly replied, but in reality it was far from fine.   
Did Louis feel his fat? All the fat that covered his chubby hands. He probably preferred slim hands, like the ones girls had, with perfectly manicured nails. Harry chewed his nails, of course Louis wouldn't like to hold his hand then. God he was probably straight for gods' sake.   
He tried shaking the thoughts out of his head and focused on his other two friends instead. Niall had watched the interaction between the two boys in awe but quickly turned back around as Harry shot him an angry glance.  
They soon arrived at Liam's house and went straight up to his room, after taking their shoes off. "Here boys have some sweatpants!" Liam three some of his clothing on the floor, where Niall and Harry started to pick out their favourite pieces, Louis just stayed where he was, until Liam noticed. "It's fine Louis, I always give the boys something comfy to wear when we're at my house. No one likes chilling in Jeans right?"   
"You're so fucking cool" Louis whispered, making the other boys burst in laughter, but then he went and picked something as well. Niall was already undressed and slowly putting on Liam's clothes, while chatting along with Louis.Harry was watching him in disbelief. How could someone be so comfortable with showing his body?   
Niall is skinny, that's why. If you were skinny you'd be confident, just like him  
He was right, Niall was skinny, Louis was toned and Liam had insane Abs, of course Harry was the odd one out, with his pudgy stomach and the huge thighs. "Um, Im gonna change in the bathroom." He said quietly and went into the attached room.

As Harry entered the bathroom, he caught a glimpse of himself in the full length mirror. His stomach turned. He didn't like what he saw. No scratch that he hated what he saw. He loathed himself for being so incredibly bloated and pudgy, his cheeks were chubby, there was no structure to his face whatsoever, it just looked pale and huge, like the moon, only fatter. His legs were stumpy and short, the thigh gap was noticeably smaller than it had been this morning and there was so much fat hanging from his legs, it was hard to make out his knees. His shoulders were too broad, his torso too short and rectangular and if he lifted his shirt he saw excess fat hanging over his trousers. Everything about himself was so terribly wrong, Harry wanted to scream, to rip off his skin and jump off a bridge. But he wasn't near a bridge and he had to be quiet because everyone was outside and he had to put on a smile as soon as he would leave the bathroom. So all he could do was fall to the floor and lie there with burning eyes and so, so much hatred for himself, he couldn't even put it into words. 

Of course Harry was none of these things, especially not fat, but he just couldn't believe what everyone told him ("Harry you look awfully skinny" ; "You're as thin as a twig") when all he saw when he looked in the mirror was this.   
The heavy feeling of hatred weighing him down, he slowly got up and put on Liam's clothes. The sweatpants fell right off his hips which was a good sign but he didn't give himself much pride for that. Of course they were too big on him, Liam was full of muscle and much taller. He was taller than Harry right? Anyways he should better get back to the boys. As he came out of the bathroom, they all sat on Liams bed and fiddled with the playstation controllers. "Oh Harry good you're here! You know how to connect this to the telly right?" Liam asked and grabbed Harry's arm to pull him towards the gaming console. 

A few minutes later, Louis watched Harry's delicate hands, as they carefully plugged and unplugged some of the wires and put up the dvd-menue. His spidery, white hands connected to tiny wrists, covered in countless bracelets. The chunky silver rings on his fingers looked like they were weighing him down, but only because his fingers were so small and boney. Louis decided here and then, that dainty wrists were now his favourite feature on guys....I mean girls. His favourite feature on girls. "Okay all done", the boy swept his hair back and got up, however it didn't take him long to fall back on the ground. "Woah you're alright?" Liam had grabbed Harry's arm firmly in an attempt to steady the thin boy ,who, face white as the wall, gave him a small nose and mumbled something about getting up too fast. "Maybe we should eat dinner." Niall quietly suggested, and Liam nodded. Harry didn't respond, but got up more slowly this time and they all made their way downstairs. 

About 30 minutes later they all sat around the kitchen table, sharing three pizzas, Liam had just taken out of the oven. "God these are amazing!" Niall moaned and took another bite. "Louis can you pass me a slice with pepperoni?" The older boy did, and Niall scarfed it down without any hesitation. "Mhmmm". Louis smiled, then looked over to Harry who was sat next to niall. The difference between the two was almost comical- rosy-cheeked Niall who was eating his fourth slice of pizza, laughing and talking loudly, and Harry next to him, with his grey skin and hunched over a tiny bowl of soup. If this was a comic, there would be a raincloud hanging over the slim boy for sure. Louis felt some tugging in his chest , close to his heart but he couldn't quite place it so he chose to ignore it and took another bite of pizza instead.

Meanwhile Harry's heart was beating so fast, he worried it might break out of his chest and fall to the ground, only to continue racing and racing and racing. He was eating in front of Liam in front of Niall and even worse, in front of Louis! Louis with the pretty blue eyes and the warm hands and Louis who'd surely be disgusted if he saw Harry eat another bite. Harry didn't know whether to be relieved that Liam had given him soup-yes because this way he could avoid eating pizza- or be angry at him, because if he hadn't given him soup, Harry would've have eaten anything at all, and nothing was always better than the 103 calories he was currently consuming. But then he would've had to explain why he wasn't eating anything and after he almost blacked out upstairs, Liam would've forced some upon him- which meant Harry would've had to throw up later. So he decided to be thankful for his soup. Just as he was about to take another bite, he felt Louis' gaze upon him. His heart sped up even more (Harry didn't even know this was possible) and he put down his spoon- not wanting to eat when Louis was watching.


End file.
